Difficult Conversations

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Nothing changes if nothing changes. ~Donna Barnes

Sometimes things need to change, which means people need to change. Or at least people need to change something they are thinking or doing. That can be uncomfortable. It's often even more uncomfortable if we have to talk about what needs to change. That sounds like confrontation, and few of us enjoy that. Bringing up a touchy subject and then even hinting that something must be done about it can be nerve-wracking for everyone.

Here's the problem: If we can't talk about something that needs to change, it probably won't change.

If there's a problem that needs to be addressed, but discussion is taboo, then the problem won't be addressed, and that in itself is a problem. How do we cope with that?

There are any number of problems that this could apply to, so obviously there's not a one-size-fits-all solution, but here are some questions to consider.

This needs to change and it's taboo. Is it important enough to talk about?

Quite honestly, sometimes it's not worth it. Just because it ticks you off doesn't necessarily mean it's something you need to tackle. If there's any question about whether it's something you should talk about, make sure you have a good answer to the question before charging in. Sometimes situations do resolve themselves or blow over. And sometimes the problem really isn't serious enough to do battle over.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. ~James Baldwin

This needs to change and it's taboo. Is it my place to talk about it, or is it a job for someone else?

 It's not always up to you to speak up. Consider whether you're the best person to address the concern or if there's someone else better positioned or better able to have the conversation. If you decide someone else would handle it better, you may also need to decide whether you need to bring your concerns to that person or just let them do it on their own. Either way, if you're not the one directing that conversation, don't keep getting in the way or fretting about it. Sometimes easier said than done!

This needs to change and it's taboo.  How do I talk about it?

Clearly, it depends on what the situation is, but go into it thoughtfully and after having prayed about it. Prepare what you need to say - not necessarily a rehearsed statement, but practice how you'll word your concerns. Give the benefit of the doubt where possible. When confronting a negative behavior, start off with a genuine compliment or other positive statement, and end with something positive as well. It's often helpful to take the approach that it's a problem you want to work on together with the other person, rather than their fault. Have an optimistic attitude, projecting confidence that the problem can be solved. You may be able to diffuse the awkwardness of the conversation by admitting up front that it's awkward and might be hard to talk about!

Often a subject seems off limits because a boundary is being crossed. It's okay to have boundaries for what you'll allow, and you can protect them. Be clear about your expectations if you have to stop someone from stepping over your lines. 

If it's safe to do so, start by addressing the problem one on one with the other person. If that's not advisable, take a trusted neutral party along to be present. If the one-on-one conversation doesn't produce results, take some help along for the follow-up. If you're dealing with a church-related issue, or a conflict with a fellow Christ-follower, this is how the Bible tells us to address it. 

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. ~Matthew 18:15-17

I mention it last, but really it's the first step and always applies. Pray about it! Pray about if you need to confront this taboo subject; pray about how you should address it; pray for wisdom and discernment in what to say. Coping with the uncomfortable conversations that lead to a needed change begins with prayer. 

As we all know, change is difficult. Changing our behavior is challenging and being confronted with a need to change is upsetting. Most people need to see the need to change on their own, and may need time to process it when they've been confronted. If you expect the other person to change, be as gracious, patient, and understanding as possible. And be aware that you may need to change too.

 People don't resist change. They resist being changed! ~Peter Senge

It is hard to find the courage to bring up a difficult subject and share some difficult truths about it. And it can be very frustrating to do that the best way you know, and then have it all blow up in your face. The other person refuses to give your concerns fair consideration, or gets angry with you for talking about it. Or worse - throws it back at you and accuses you of making trouble or butting into something that was none of your business. Ouch! How to cope with that? I've been there, and have had to question myself - did I do the right thing? Were my motives right? Did I overstep? When I've started with prayer and thought it through, usually I was not wrong. There may have been another factor I didn't know about, which may change my view a little bit. More often, if my words are not received, it's because the other person is not ready to hear or accept them, or willing to change. In that case, hopefully we can agree to disagree without hard feelings. If it's a case of someone violating my boundaries, they don't need to agree with me, but once they've been informed of those boundaries, they need to respect them. If they can't, then I will walk away. If the taboo subject is something in their life, then once I've said what I need to, what they do with it is up to them. You really can't force other people to change. 

How do you handle difficult conversations about change?

For the recent Write 28 Days Blogging Challenge, I had decided to explore the theme of living well and with purpose during times of change. A few years ago, as I neared the end of my years as a homeschool mom, I realized my world would change when my youngest graduated. My roles in the homeschool community and in my social circles were affected. Things changed in the workplace. Things are ever changing at church. And as my children grew up and the nest has begun to empty, family dynamics are changing. To our surprise, my husband's job ended at the very beginning of 2022, which brought another round of changes to consider! (He started a new position in February, and moving was a change we did not have to deal with after all!) I know very well that writing about coping with change is not the same as having all the answers. I'll do my best to share what I'm learning and experiencing, and I'd love to hear from others in the comments. For a bunch of little reasons, I didn't finish writing and posting the last week or so of this series, so these last few are being published after the challenge period ended.

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This post is part of the Write 28 Days Blogging Challenge hosted by Anita Ojeda. Find all my posts for the 2022 challenge here: 28 Days of Coping With Change

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