Changing the Mama Bear Mindset

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Today's moms, especially moms of young children, often wear the Mama Bear title very proudly. Most of the time, that's an apt comparison and a good thing. Mothers will protect and defend their babies fiercely and against the odds, and that seems to be an instinct God has put into us, and into many animals. Our young children are vulnerable and need our protection.

Even though bear cubs are born during the winter - a season of hibernation - the mother bear responds to every cry of her cubs and cares for their needs. The mother decides when they are ready to leave the den in spring, and supervises as the cubs play and practice climbing. In fact, the first place mama takes the cubs is usually a tree, carefully chosen, where they can quickly climb out of danger. That's where the little family will stay while mama forages nearby. She will come running immediately if her cubs cry out in distress. As the cubs grow, mama takes them with her and shows them where to find food, and later on has them participate in denning for another winter. The mother bear's vocalizations in various situations teach her cubs how to respond, and she disciplines too. She also plays with the cubs! But when the cubs are old enough, the mother bear may drive them away if they don't move out on their own. (Bear facts from the North American Bear Center)

Like the mother bear, we are often willing to limit our own comings and goings in order to care for our little ones. We look after our babies and make sure they are safe. We supervise our toddlers as they play, and are available at a moment's notice when we sense a threat or when our kids call with a need. We play with our kids and have fun as a family. We should be disciplining behavior and having them participate in running the household. We should be teaching our kids how to function on their own - all the practical life skills they need as well as how to have good relationships and especially how to walk with the Lord. Hopefully our kids will transition into adulthood without us needing to kick them out, and unlike the bears, hopefully we will maintain warm and loving family relationships once they do move out on their own.

Unfortunately, some parents get stuck in the first half of the Mama Bear model. Hovering over children and attacking anyone or anything that might present even the tiniest threat or discomfort to the little darlings. Sheltering children from any bumps and bruises or negative consequences. Sometimes so busy protecting them from little hurts that they never learn to cope with disappointment or failure; and sometimes even failing to identify the real threats. 

That controlling and over-protective approach can backfire. Remember the movie Brave? Queen Elinor's intentions were to discipline and protect her daughter, but young Merida misunderstood and felt that her mother was controlling and overbearing, and didn't listen. Of course Merida was wrong in trying to use a spell on her mother, and both were at fault for the rift in their relationship, but what a picture of how Mama Bear left unchecked could turn into a monster.

Princess Merida: [after Queen Elinor unexpectedly turns into a bear] Mum? You're... You're a BEAR! Why a bear? OH! That scaffy witch gave me a gammy spell!

[Bear Elinor glares at her, demanding to know what she meant]

Princess Merida: It's not my fault. I didn't ask her to change you into a bear! I just wanted her to change...

[guilty]

Princess Merida: YOU.

Princess Merida: Mum, is that you? Mum? You changed. Like you were a... I mean, like you were a bear on the inside.

How can we keep Mama Bear in check?

Defend and Discipline in Balance - Of course we need to protect and defend our children, and we should. The instinct to keep our children out of dangerous situations is what compels us to provide safe play spaces for little ones, be choosy about the caregivers and environments our children are in, and to demand information about where our teens are going and who they will be with. If someone or something poses a threat to a child, we should be there to say, "NO. Not today." We should be fierce in protecting children from any and all abuse. We also need to defend when children are being treated unfairly or unable to defend themselves. But we also need to teach our children how to correctly defend themselves and stand up for others; and we need to teach them how to behave properly and hold them accountable appropriately when they are in the wrong. Yes, your child will be in the wrong sometimes. If you don't believe your child is capable of being the bully, think again. If you think your child would "NEVER" cheat or lie or be disrespectful, think again. Check into the matter fairly and if you find that your child was in the wrong, hold your child accountable, teach them to do better next time, and have them make it right.

Correctly Assess Risks and Threats -  In order to protect our kids, we need to be discerning in what to protect them from. First, we cannot and should not keep them from all possible risks. We seem to know this instinctively when a baby is learning to walk. We've got to let go of her hand even if she wobbles, because that's how she learns to keep her balance. She'll take some tumbles, but she'll also learn to land safely and how to get up again. We've all noticed that babies and toddlers figure out how to react based on their parent's reaction. If Mama fusses and frets, Cub cries even if he's not hurt. If Mama remains calm and makes light of the situation, Cub recovers quickly and gets back on his feet. Parents, we need to do the same as kids grow up and face other inevitable challenges. We cannot freak out every time or kids will learn that we believe they are fragile and every negative experience calls for drama and panic. Let kids experience the consequences of their choices so they learn that their choices have consequences. On the other hand, when there is a genuine threat, we'd better tackle it with all the seriousness and tenacity that it deserves. Your child's phone and internet use exposes them to real and present danger - are you aware of what they're doing online? Are you teaching them internet safety? Take it seriously, because it's a genuine threat. Your child's entertainment choices may expose them to images and thought patterns that are harmful and damaging - do you know what they are watching? do you know what they are listening to? Are you teaching them discernment? What about the world's influence on your child? What is being taught at school? What is being stifled at school? If your kids are in a government school, they ARE being taught from a worldly and anti-God perspective. What are doing to protect them from that influence? Dropping them off at church for an hour a week probably isn't enough. Don't miss the threats to your child's mind and heart!

Let Cubs Grow Up - As the fictional Queen Elinor found out the hard way, our kids do not want or need us to control their every move and dictate all their choices. They must be allowed to grow and mature and take responsibility for themselves. And Mama, you need to gradually and gracefully let them go. This is perhaps the hardest work a mother has to do, but it's essential if a child is to become a fully functional adult, and parents that cheer and encourage will make that process much smoother than parents that cling and control. 

Let your inner Mama Bear change and grow as your child does. Where are you in that process?

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ~I Corinthians 13:6-7~

Or, as the NKJV puts it:

[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

For the Write 28 Days Blogging Challenge, I've decided to explore the theme of living well and with purpose during times of change. A few years ago, as I neared the end of my years as a homeschool mom, I realized my world would change when my youngest graduated. My roles in the homeschool community and in my social circles were affected. Things changed in the workplace. Things are ever changing at church. And as my children grew up and the nest has begun to empty, family dynamics are changing. To our surprise, my husband's job ended at the very beginning of 2022, and that has brought another round of changes to consider! I know very well that writing about coping with change is not the same as having all the answers. I'll do my best to share what I'm learning and experiencing, and I'd love to hear from others in the comments.

This post is part of the Write 28 Days Blogging Challenge hosted by Anita Ojeda. Find all my posts for the 2022 challenge here: 28 Days of Coping With Change

(Yes, I'm a full day behind in the prompts. I'm hoping to catch up soon!)

This post will be linked at Inspire Me Monday.

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